Xmen Parody
by Disturbedvixen
Summary: JEAN BASHERS WELCOME! Jean is a slut, Scott's a wuss. No one really likes Jean. WHen her life is threatened, will anyone give a care and save her? Your choice! THIS IS A PARODY! This means that if you flame, you are an idiot because this is a JOKE!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!!!**

**Just to let you know, this is my first X men fic so don't be too hard on me.  Point out what I did wrong, okay?  No flames on this!  Jean will be a little Ooc depending on how you look at it.**

**Tori, if you ever get around to reading this, maybe you're to thank for warping my mind.  Unlike your fics, there will be no teen pregnancy.  Sorry.  No lemons either.**

**If this gets nothing but bad reviews or things like that, then this fic will be taken down.  Promise.**

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Jean practically waltzed down the stairs and into the kitchen.  "Good morning!" she sang in an overly flirty voice.

Rogue looked at Jean's clothes in distaste.  "Has it ever occurred to you to wear clothes that fit you?"

"These fit fine."

"No, they don't."

"Don't get jealous.  I look hot.  Right, Logan?"

Logan looked up briefly.  "As always, you've managed to look like a whore." He shrugged.  "Suites you."

Jean took it as a complement and stuck her tongue out at Rogue.  Jean had on black hooker boots that were laced to her knees.  She had on a black skirt that was several sizes too small.  She had a white tank top with a black leather jacket on top.  She glanced at Scott.  "Do you have anything against what I'm wearing?"

Scott buried his face in his newspaper.  "Yeah," he mumbled.

"Ah must be the only sane person in this place!" Rogue said in exasperation.  She sat down roughly and crossed her arms.

"So, who was your victim last night?  There was a party over at some guy's place wasn't it?  I'm sure that would have gotten more than one person," Logan remarked, smirking.

It was an inside joke that was, unfortunately, true.  Jean was a whore.  Logan usually won because of his acute sense of smell.

Jean smiled and spread her arms in the air.  "Just guess," she said.

"It better not have been Lance," Kitty demanded.

Scott grimaced at the daily tournament.  It was known that Scott was dating Jean, but he was too much of a wuss to say anything.

"No. Not Lance . . .not yet," Jean added slyly.

Kitty frowned.  "Is it someone we know or some creep from school?"

"You know him.  _Trust _me."

"Lets take this in a different way," Rogue began. "Who _didn't_ you sleep with?"

"Me," Logan announced.  "And I'd have to be pretty damn drunk to sleep with you.  Tell you that now."

"Figure it out!" Jean replied in a sing-song voice.

Everyone shrugged.  "Logan?" Jean asked.

"I smell a little furry elf," Logan said at length.

All eyes turned to Nightcrawler.  Outcries began.

"How can you do such a thing?!"

"What's wrong with you?!"

Kurt blushed as well as he could.  It's hard to tell he was blushing with a blue face.  "I vas drunk!" he replied, throwing his hands up.  "Is it against the law or something to get drunk?  I don't even remember what I was doing last night!"

"Right," Kitty remarked.

"Well, Scott.  What are your thoughts?" Rogue asked.

Scott sighed.  "Jean, stop being a whore," he begged.

"You're no fun," Jean whined.  "I bring a little excitement to this place."

"Excitement my ass," Logan said.

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It's stupid, isn't it.  Tell me what I did wrong.  If I don't get many reviews, I'll take it down. So review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:**I own absolutely nothing. 

**Just to warn you, my knowledge on this is limited so if I need correcting, feel free to point it out. Angelique, Tori, I know you well enough to tell me about my little typo's like you did in Mental Morgue.**

This is my only fic that doesn't allow flames because I don't know much on this subject.  If I knew as much as most of you do on X-men, then I would allow them.  Sorry.  Corrections are okay, flames, no. If there's something you don't like, feel free to tell me _why_ you don't like it. 

Now since I got 13 reviews on this and people asking me to continue, here it goes! 

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Jean walked into the doors of Bayville High, the heels of her hooker boots clicking noisily against the tile floors of the school.  She held her chin high, flashing a cheerful smile on her face that suggested she believed she was better than everyone in the entire school.  Her hips swung lightly to the metronome-like clicking of her boots.  This was her territory.  This was where her precious _victims_ lay.

Scott slumped after her, his hands in his pockets, attempting to look just as confident as she did.  Unfortunately, all it did was make him look gay.  Jean glanced over at him.  "Uck, don't hunch!  You look stupid! You're making me look bad!" she scoffed, elbowing him quickly.

_You're making yourself look bad, you slut!_ He thought bitterly.  That's what he wanted to say.  He sighed sadly. _If I only had some balls,_ he sang in his thoughts even more bitterly to the "if I only had a brain" tune from the Wizard of Oz.

"Hey Red, nice party yesterday!" someone called from their position in front of their lockers.

Jean winked at them and continued striding until she reached her locker.  On her locker was a wallpaper of sticky notes with numbers, names and desperate suggestions for her.  She grinned and opened her leather purse.  She dug around in it, searching for her planner.  Or what she called "the book of fun".  She opened the book and matched the numbers and names with the ones she didn't have.

"Nope.  Already used him.  Maybe this Saturday . . .oh, Erik, lets put you down soon.   I'd like to know you better, heh," she mumbled to herself while scribbling wildly in her book of fun.

Scott looked disgustedly at the proud expression etched on Jean's face.  "Jean, how can you do this to me?" he said slowly.  His voice shook.  He never had the balls to say this much to her. 

"Do what, snookums?" Jean asked, adding emphasis on her little pet name for him.  She smiled appealingly at him.  This was a trick she used on all males, mostly on male teachers to get out of doing homework.  How she enjoyed her work.

"All this.  If I'm really your snookums, how can you sit there and screw around, practically in my face!  You can get all these normal people.  You belong with other mutants like me.  You never penciled me in for _any_ time. Am I _that_ worthless?"  Scott felt heat rise to his face.  He knew he would be punished severely for what he was doing, but once it started, it was hard to stop, much like Jean and her desire to have playtime.

Jean stared at him for a second.  She tossed her hair over her shoulders. Her red 'yes, this is my natural hair color' hair seemed to symbolize her anger that was rising up.  "How can you even _say_ that to me?!  I've been good to you and here you are, screaming at me like a child?!"  

Her stern expression softened as tears rose to her eyes.  She sniffed.  "Why are you so mean to me?  All I want is a cutie to stay with me to give me self-confidence and here you are trying to take all of that away."  She held the book of fun to her face and sobbed into it.  "That's all I want!  I don't get respect here because of what I am!  This is all I can do to be accepted and here to are, taking it all away!"  She sniffed again.  "If you don't love me, that's all you have to say!"

"I-I," Scott muttered nervously.  He sighed.  He patted her back and held her.  _Crap.  Foiled again. I'm never going to win!_  "But you said that _you_ were being good to _me_?  What's all this book of fun stuff then?"

"It's how I fit in! People accept me because of what I can do.  It's the only thing I'm good at without using my powers. Is that so bad?"

_Yes, but it's not like I can stop you,_ Scott thought in defeat.

"Humph.  I see that you're still treating the guy like crap," someone said.

Scott looked over to see Todd a.k.a. Toad.  (I'll use Toad since I feel like it, k?)

"What do you want?" Jean asked.

"Maybe you can help me," Toad said, squatting down into his normal position.  "You see, you act sort of like Wanda.  Only Wanda's totally hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, attractive, alluring," he began to tick more synonyms off on his fingers.

"Get to the point!" Jean snapped.

"Wanda doesn't act all slutty like you, but she doesn't realize the pure potential that I have in store for her, just as you don't realize that Scott's got no balls because you won't let him grow any."

Scott frowned mentally.  That wasn't a complement. 

"Anyway, even though you treat Scott like crap and here he is still trailing you like a lost, retarded puppy."  Toad sighed.  "It's like the relationship with me and Wanda. I worship every blade of grass, shard of glass, crushed grasshopper that she steps on, but she still won't like me.  Why do you keep him with you?"  He gestured to Scott.

"I mean, it's not like he's as good looking as me, right?" he continued.

Jean stared at him, mouth open wide.  Her brain couldn't catch the point.  Her poor, poor, fragile little mind couldn't handle Toad's gibberish.  She looked at Scott.  "What does he mean?"

Scott explained it to her as anyone would a 3rd grader.  Jean nodded.  "Oh, well, he gives me self-confidence.  He's a wuss and it makes me feel better."

Toad's eyes widened.  "Oh, that gives me an idea! Thanks!"  He began to hop off.  "Oh, Scott, if I were you and Jean was Wanda, I'd dump her like a box of laundry detergent.  She's a slut and here you are going 'oh, can I watch?'  See ya!"

"Hey, Scott said that when I was having fun with Duncan!" Jean called after him cheerfully.  Scott slapped his forehead in frustration.

"Sounds like ya'll are having fun," Rogue said from her standpoint.  "But Scott, Ah'd take the filthy thang's advice.  Jean doesn't give a damn about you.  How can you handle all the shit she's plowing you into?"

Scott shrugged.  The ball rang, luckily, saving Scott from having an intelligent reply to Rogue's questions.

"You're a nosy bitch," Jean said to her.  "If I wanna have fun, it's my problem."

"If you're gonna catch aids or gonorrhea or some crap, it _is_ your problem, but don't pass it around Professor X's school!  There ain't many of us out there and we don't need to have our population littered with trash like you."

**That's what I have so far. Still interested in this fic? Then review and tell me!**


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for all the reviews!  Once again, I don't accept flames on this fic.  I don't own anything but the story idea.

My knowledge on X-men is STILL limited, sorry.  This is my first X-men fic as well as my first attempt at humor.  Ah well.  If you're bored of this story yet, tell me and I can discontinue it.  

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Saturday Morning:

Jean was lying on her stomach on top of her bed.  Her elbow was propped up, supporting her head.  She flipped through a magazine.  A knock was heard on her door.  "Come in!" she said, yawning widely. 

Logan stood in the doorway, his arms crossed.  "Are you coming to train any time soon?  Professor X won't be happy that you kept everyone awake all night along with sleeping late because of it."

She shrugged and flipped back her red hair.  "So what."

"So what?  The world doesn't revolve around the whorehouse that you call a life."

"Whorehouse? I've never been to one."  Jean cocked her head at him and grinned.  "Are you going to take me along to you when you go?"

Logan growled.  "No, woman.  I've told you enough times that I'd have to be drunk off my ass to even _think_ about you without clothes. Look, that's not the point here.  The new recruits were supposed to be training with you this morning, but you were sleeping.  You're a selfish whore."

"No I'm not.  I just like having fun!  You like having fun once in a while, right?"  She threw him a devilish wink.

He narrowed his eyes.  "Yeah, but not with you.  The training is over with now, no thanks to you.  You can help the elf fix up the roof of east wing, will you?  You can't sit there reading your magazines all day."

"It teaches me things about life!" Jean turned to a page in her magazine and pointed to it.  "See, it says that a guy with muscles will be smaller than a guy who plays chess."

Logan raised an eyebrow and glanced at his well-built body from his years of rough living.  "That's bullshit," he remarked quickly in his gruff voice.  "There's no way some damn magazine is going to tell me about my body."

Jean giggled.  "You're a mutant so I guess it doesn't count.  Why do I have to help Kurt fix the roof?"

"Because it's your fault and the elf feels like he needs to work for the shame he believes he brought this institute.  That's also your fault, you slut."

"Huh?"

"If that boy from your school didn't put up a fight, I would've have had to thrown him out the roof.  As for the elf, you got him drunk enough to get desperate enough to sleep with you—a worse offense than anything else.  He feels guilty now."

"So _you_ help him fix the roof."

"Damn you, woman, _you_ are going to help if you want to earn your keep!  All you've done is trash up the place with the reputation you're setting for this place!"

"I'm not making a bad resuscitation." 

Logan opened his mouth to say something else until Rogue came beside him and touched his broad shoulder.  "Logan, ah know that you're tryin' to help her, but there ain't no helping somethin' as sorry as this.  We can talk to the professor after we help Kurt," Rogue said, casting a glower at the red head on the bed.

Logan growled something incoherent and followed Rogue down the hallway.

"Have fun you two!" Jean chirped after them and returned her short attention span to her magazine. 

~~Later~~

"Jean, I'm bored," Scott said, lying back in the bleachers at a football game.  "Football is stupid."

"But Duncan is supposed to meet me after the game and I want to be early."

"Why Duncan?  Did you pencil him in or something?"  Scott grabbed the planner and flipped through it.  "You wrote Duncan's name in here more than once."

"Gimmee my book back!"  Jean snatched the planner away and straightened the crumpled page with love then closed the planner.  She hugged it and watched as Duncan dashed across the field to score a touchdown.  "He's my best customer so far.  I like him best.  He knows how to have fun."  She sighed, hugging the planner all the more closer.

"What about _me_?  What's with your little survey that show's the muscled normal people are 'smaller'?"

"Duncan's an exception . . . and you . . .what else can I say.  You're just _you_."

"Fuck Duncan!" Scott said hysterically.  

"Don't worry, that'll get accomplished in time.  What, do you want to watch again?"

"No, you whore, I'm getting him here and _now_!"  Scott put his fingers at his glasses and aimed carefully for Duncan; letting his powers shoot him down.

"No, Scott! What did you do to him!"

"Getting what he deserved!  You're supposed to be with _me_!"  He grabbed Jean by her shoulders and shook her.  "_Me!  DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? MEEEEEEE!"_

"B-but, you don't understand!" Jean sputtered.  She burst into tears, drawing attention to her and Scott.

"Understand _what_?!"

Jean shook her head, continuing to cry on purpose.  She was a pro at this and it got Scott every time.  She shoved him away.  "Just leave me alone if you're going to get jealous!"  She ran off, her face buried in her hands.

"Good!  Go, see if I care!" Scott screamed after her.  He watched her run.  "Damn it," he muttered after a while.  "How can she make me feel so guilty when it's her fault?"  He sighed and moved to follow her.

~~Much later: some time around midnight~~

"I'm sorry Scott," Jean purred.

"I'm sorry too, for yelling at you.  I kind of lost my cool."

"If you _had_ any cool, you'd have lost it."

"Funny," Scott said sarcastically and got up.  "I'm going to my own bed.  Good night."

"Night."

Jean was dozing off when she heard a sharp rapping sound at her window.  She got up to open it and found Toad on the ground, motioning for her to come down.

I'm leaving it at a cliffhanger! You won't know what Toad wants with her until the next chapter!  But you have to review for a new chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **Yeah, yeah, I don't own a thing except this story.  Thanks for the reviews and I appreciate the fact that you find this funny!

**Flames aren't accepted for this!**  I don't know that much about X-men.  The people I have in this fic are people I know from the episodes I watched.  I have no idea who Remy, Gambit or some of the others so they won't be included. I don't know much about the New Recruits either.

If I don't know much, why am I writing an X-men fic you ask?  Hm…good question.  I'll get back to you on that one….

Alrightly, so things that have words between these things: { } are my two cents that I input in the story!  Now read away!

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"_I didn't order a pizza so you can go away,_" Jean called down to Toad.

Toad scowled.  "I'm not a pizza-delivery person.  It's _Toad_."

"I didn't order any toads either."

"I am _the_ Toad!  Just let me up, dumb ass!" Toad screamed in frustration.

"Okay.  I think there's a ladder down there somewhere."

"I'm _not_ looking for a ladder in the dark.  You've got the power to pick stuff up with what little brain you have, right?  Do that to me!"

Jean stared at him for a while and finally used her telepathy to lift Toad up.  "Hi.  How are you today?" she asked cheerfully.  "You didn't set up a schedule so we can't do anything."

"I don't want anything to do with you. I just came to ask for some advice."

"Okie dokie.  What's the question?"

"It's about Wanda.  She's got this boyfriend that escaped from the state penitentiary.  I don't know why she chose him over me!  She won't even talk to me or look at me.  She just ignores me!  How can I get her attention?"

"You can hop around naked in the school.  That'll get _everyone's_ attention."

"Nah, that'll just distract everyone with my devilish good looks.  I was thinking more along the lines of doing something drastic that'll only get _her_ attention."

"You can beat up her boyfriend.  That's always fun."

"He's six feet tall and with a lot of muscles.  He's like that Freddy Krueger you call a friend."

"Who?"

"Wolverine!"

"Oh.  I don't know who Freddy Krueger is."

"Then forget about it.  So the point is little ole me can't beat up a mountain.  I need something else."

"What's the guy's name?"

"Rodrigo Sanchez.  Anyway, just hand over more ideas!"

"How about taking a bath more often?  Once a month won't cut it.  Girls like a clean-shaven guy that doesn't have shrooms growing on him."

"I don't have mushroom on me!  Okay, maybe one, but I'm not going to wash more than I need to!  What else can I do?"

"Erm."  Jean racked her brain to find something.  "Make her jealous.  You know how teenagers are.  If they get laid, they'll spread it around the whole school and people get jealous.  That's why I'm so popular."  She tossed her hair over her shoulders proudly.  "Yep.  I've been with nearly half the school and I haven't caught anything!"

Toad scratched his cheek thoughtfully.  What Jean said wasn't really something to be proud of.  "Who am I going to find that will willingly sleep with me, then?  The girls are all over me, but I need to find someone closer to Wanda's league."

Jean coughed purposely.  "(coughing) EH HEM!"

"_You_?" Toad asked incredulously.  "_You_?!"

"Well you wouldn't be the first," Jean replied with a shrug.  "Of course I have a minimum 20 dollar fee.  I _do_ need money for some things, you know."

"I'm outta my mind, but Wanda means the world to me."  Toad dug around in his pocket.  He threw things out of his pocket that didn't look like they were from this world, nor did they look hygienic.  "All I have is a quarter," he mumbled and held out a dirty twenty-five cent piece.

"Sold!" Jean chirped and grabbed it.

{ Urgh, that's sooo gross!  I've got issues to maintain. * sigh *}

**~~Next morning~~ (**thank God I don't go into details!**)**

Jean woke up to find Toad gone. All there was the pile of gunk Toad had pulled out from his pockets in hopes to find some money.  The room smelled strongly of old, moldy, sweaty gym socks that had been soaked in skunk juice.

{I think you get the idea.}

She yawned and wrinkled her nose at the smell.  She hopped into the shower to get rid of the dirty feeling.  She threw her bed covers into the washer.

"Jean?  I went in your room to wake you up and it smells like something died in your room," Scott said at the breakfast table.

Jean shrugged and grabbed a granola bar.  "So?"

Scott furrowed his brow.  Something wasn't right.  He pushed his thoughts away and he dug into a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

{Yeah, I don't own Fruity Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles are nasty to me.}

He had promised himself that he wouldn't lose his cool when Jean was acting…well, 'Jean-ish'.  He didn't have the balls to keep her from doing things behind his back.  His frowned deepened.  It wasn't like she _was_ doing things behind his back.  He _knew_ what she was doing, he just didn't have the guts to slap her and make her stop.

Logan came into the kitchen and crossed his booted ankles on the table.  

"Mornin' Logan," Rogue drawled.

Logan grunted a reply.

Rogue nodded to Scott.  "You're wearing somethin' normal today, Jean," she commented to Jean.

Jean looked down at her clothes.  Today she had on a beige skirt that went down to her knees and a black shirt that fit a little too well. Her hair was down over her shoulders still drying from the shower she took.  Instead of a usual comeback, Jean shrugged weakly and crossed her arms on the table.

"What's the matter with you?  Did you stay up too late last night?" Rogue asked.

Scott blushed.  "Come off of it, we weren't up that long."

Rogue frowned.  "Oh.  So ya'll two got your problems sorted out.  I don't know what to say."

"Just keep your yap closed before you things started," Logan commanded calmly. 

Jean flinched and glanced at him.

"What do you mean by that?" Scott demanded.

"I'm not in this.  She'll tell you when she feels like it."  Logan shook his head.  "What she did was low, but at least she feels guilty.  _That's_ a start."

"I'm leaving," Jean announced and left for school.

"Jean, wait!" Scott began.  Jean already ran out.  "What was it?" he asked Logan.

"She'll tell you when she wants to.  I'm not getting in between you two.

Jean stopped at her locker and sighed as she saw the new layer of sticky-notes plastered on her locker.  _I actually feel bad for what I did to Scott.  That's bad._  She ripped the notes off and dumped them in the nearby wastebasket.  She sighed heavily and got her things ready for gym.  

"Jean?  Jean!  What's the matter with you?" Scott demanded, gripping her shoulder.

"I don't know," Jean replied honestly.

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**That's the end of this chapter.  Review, pretty please!  Sorry this chapter wasn't as funny as some of the other ones.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**No flames!  This is supposed to be OOC! **

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Scott met Jean outside the girl's bathroom after the bell ending 1st block rang.    "Jean?  What's wrong with you today?  Did you get much sleep last night?"

"Not…really?" she said it as a question.

"Someone wanted me to give you this note," Scott said out of the blue.

"What's it say?"  Jean took the note.

"I think it's about someone wanting to kill you."  He shrugged.  "Don't think too much into it.  I get about ten of these a day.  No big deal.  I haven't died yet, right?"

Jean gave him an off look and stared at the note.  She read it out loud.  "I hope you know that no one likes you.  You're going to die…but when?  HA!  It's a surprise!"  She balled it up and threw it in Scott's face.  "That's stupid.  Was this one of yours?"

Scott looked hurt.  "No…why?"

"Because it looks like something someone would write to you.  As you know, I'm hot _and _popular.  There's no way that no one can 'not like' me when I have all these notes on my locker everyday and after every class."  She smirked.  "I'll even show you.  Here, come to my locker."

_'She seemed to have brightened up from this morning'_, Scott noticed.  He smiled. He felt happier to for some reason.  If Jean was in a good mood and she wasn't talking bad about him, it made him feel better.  He stuffed his hands in his pockets and grinned cheerfully.

Jean glanced back at him, sensing his change of mood.  "What's with that constipated face?"

"I have a constipated face?"  Scott didn't note that it was a joke.  "Oh.  Maybe it was the almond cluster cereal I ate this morning."

Jean grimaced.  "T-M-I," she said in disgust.  She smiled as she saw a fresh wall of sticky-notes plastered to her locker from a distance.  She elbowed Scott.  "See?  What did I tell ya?  I'm loved!"

She stopped in front of her locker and gasped.  Instead of phone numbers, there was 'graffiti' on the notes such as: " Die bitch!" and "Sluts will go to X-dork hell!"  She ripped all the notes off the locker.  There was only one phone number.  She began to check her planner for the number to see who it was.

Scott took the note that covered part of it and saw the rest of it.  "Yo Jean, check this out."

Under the number, there were big black letters.  "Anyone who sleeps with Gray is a pussy," Jean read in a small voice. She took the armful of threat notes and dumped them in the garbage can.  

"Why would someone want to kill me?" Jean asked Scott in a chocked voice.  "I'm too sweet!  T-too innocent!"

Scott rolled his eyes.  He didn't have the balls to say anything to her so he kept his mouth closed.

"Gray, what's wrong with you?" Toad asked, hopping up.

"Someone wants to kill me!"

Toad looked at Scott to see his reaction.  He looked back at Jean.  "Oh."  He shrugged.  "I have to go."

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**Sorry so short!**  **Please review!  Can you guess who sent the notes?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Insert typical disclaimer ______.  **

**Thanks for the reviews!  I'm sorry, but Wanda isn't the one who wants to kill Jean. **

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Jean groaned and covered her head with the fluffy pink pillow on her bed.  The phone was ringing off the hook every since the day she found the threat notes on her locker.  The ringing stopped for a moment.  As soon as she lifted the pillow from her ears, the phone rang again.

"What would someone sweet like me do to make someone so hateful!" she screamed in disgust.  With her telepathic powers, she ripped the phone off the cord and threw it out the window.

She sighed in relief and settled down on the bed more comfortably.  She looked up to a knock on the door.  "Yes? What is it?"

Rogue poked her head in.  "There's someone on the phone for ya.  Ya want to pick it up?"

"Who is it?"

"Ah don't know!  It sounda like a boy, but ah can't be sure nowadays."

"No, just take a message."

Rogue shrugged.  "Sorry, Jean's a little busy.  Can ah take a message?"  She cocked her head thoughtfully for a minute.  "Uh huh.  Yeah, Ah'll tell her, don't worry."  She hung up and looked thoughtfully at the redhead.  "Ah still don't know who it was, but here's the message: All Sluts will die, that's the way of the group."  She smiled as if it were an inside joke all of them shared and left.

Jean stared after Rogue and screamed in bitter frustration.  "WHY ME?!"

~~Later: Meeting in a classroom~~ 

Professor X maneuvered his wheelchair to face the group of mutants.  "I'm sure all of you are wondering why we have gathered here," he began.

Logan scowled and crossed his muscular arms.  "Ya damn skippy.  I want to know why the hell you woke us up at three in the morning for some meeting.  I'm only going to listen if Sabretooth's back or something like that.  If it has something to do with Little-miss-prostitute, I'm going back to bed."

Xavier gave him a wan smile.  "I appreciate your enthusiasm, Logan, but unfortunately I haven't the faintest idea of what this was about.  It was Scott who wanted to call this meeting."

Kurt threw his hands up in disgust.  "I'm sure this is going to be something silly," he called out in his strange accent.

Logan grunted in agreement.  "Not silly, but _fuckin' retarded_, more like."

The furry elf grinned at Wolverine's blunt personality.

"Can we get on with this? Some of us actually have a life!" Kitty added.

Xavier wheeled backwards to let Scott come from the door.  "Well, Scott, I believe you have something important to say?"

Scott nodded to him nervously.

Rogue squinted into the shadows where Scott was hiding.  "None of us can see you.  Get out here!"

Scott shuffled more fully into the light and looked at everyone sheepishly through his glasses.

Logan smirked.  "Love your nightgown, Summers," he said.

 Scott's eyes snapped downward.  He gasped.  His pajamas was usually made up of a flannel top and bottom with some cartoon character like Spongebob, Justice League or Samurai Jack.  The ones he wore today were flannel with pink lacy cuffs.  The pattern was clearly My Little Pony with a lavender background.  "It's not mine!" he managed to sputter.

Logan laughed.  "I'm sure.  Whose is it then?  Or did you just find it at the discount section at a little girls' department?"

"Um…they _were_ fifty percent off…" he muttered thoughtfully.  He avoided Logan's eyes.

The smirk was immediately wiped off Logan's face.  From then on, he resolved to keep comments like that he just made to himself.  "Get on with what stupid thing you were going to tell us," he said instead.

"Yes, and I don't vant to hear about your nightmare about monkeys vanting to destroy the vorld," Kurt said.

"Nope, not this time!" Scott replied in silent resolve.  He was actually going to tell what he was going to say without passing out this time.  He cleared his throat.  "Okay, it's about Jean."

"I'm leaving," Kitty said quickly and began to turn to walk out the door.

"Kitty, we all belong to a team," Professor X said brusquely.  "Just listen to what Scott has to say before you decide it's idiotic…even though I'm not entirely sure this isn't going to be any different," he added in a mumble.

"What?!" Scott sputtered.

"Dammit, just go!" Logan yelled.

Scott cleared his throat.  "All right, so this is about Jean.  See, a few days ago she got these notes on her locker.  They're all sort of like the ones _I_ get from all the meanies out there who think I'm a wuss.  Only are threatening to kill Jean. It's not stuff like the times they're planning to give me a swirly, but there people actually want to _kill_ Jean!"

There was a moment of silence.  Scott looked uncertainly at Professor X who sat in silence.

"So…" Logan began slowly.  "Is this some kind of joke?"

Scott shook his head quickly.  "No, I'm serious!"

"Oh, alright."  Logan was silent for a while.  "What do you want us to do about it?"

"C-can you help me find out who's doing it and why?"

Logan frowned thoughtfully.  "Nope, sorry.  Can't do it."

"What? But why not?"

Logan stood.  "Because, filth like that should go.  She's only giving us mutants a bad name!  Once she's gone, we'll have to start from scratch, but we're slowly going to build the proper respect for out race."  He left.  "I'm going to bed."

One by one, everyone else did the same.  Professor X stayed only for a moment.  "You see, Logan has his point.  I can't stop this from happening.  She's only one out there.  If she dies, what difference will it make?  Perhaps if she dies, people will believe that things have been evened out."  He left.

Scott sighed and went out the front door for fresh air.  He looked out to the bushes.  "It worked," he said.

Toad hopped out.  Pietro was right behind him.  "How did they take it?" Toad asked.

"Exactly the way you think.  They _want_ her to die.  It's all a matter of time until we lure her out," Scott said smugly.  He looked at Pietro. "What are _you_ doing here?  You aren't even a big part of this?"

Pietro smirked.  "I'll be the one to lure her out.  I've got the looks and the moves to do this."  He slicked back his silver hair.  "I'll do the seducing this time."

Toad grimaced.  "Just as long as you don't get too into this 'seducing'."

"Urgh, hell no!  Not after _you_ had her! The closest I'm willing to go near her is a few inches!"


	7. Chapter 7

So you now know who the 'killer' is.  The question now is, should I have them kill Jean?  I own absolutely nothing.

**As I have said, those who flame are completely stupid.  This is a parody, which is only a screwed up version of the real thing.  That mean's it is a JOKE.  IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE THEN DON'T READ THIS!**

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"Yeah, yeah, I know what I have to do," Pietro snapped.  He waved Scott off of him and eased into the bleachers where Jean sat watching the soccer game.

"Hey, babe," he said in a purr.  He put an arm around Jean and braced himself for the telekinetic flurries that were sure to come his way.

"Oh, hey," Jean murmured sadly.  She sighed and watched in boredom as the team goalie blocked the soccer ball from going in.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing that you should know."

"Aw, you can tell Pietro _anything_."

"Well, there's someone who wants to kill me and no one wants to help me!"  She gazed dolefully at Pietro.  "Why wouldn't anyone want to protect me from the meanies in the world?"

Pietro gave her a smile.  "Oh, that's probably because you're a slut."

"So what?  There are sluts in the world and a lot of people like them!"

"Sure, go ahead and think that, babe.  Look, why don't we talk over your little problems?"

Jean scowled and slapped his hands off.  "I don't have a problem!"

"Well, Scott's worried about you.  Doesn't he count for something?"

"Yeah, but…nobody likes him.  He's the person who everyone likes to beat up and give swirlies to."

Pietro frowned.  He needed a way to lure Jean back to the trap he, Toad and Scott had set up.  "I'll buy you some ice cream."

"Ice cream?  Lets go!"

"This isn't the way to the ice cream store," Jean said, looking around as they drove down a highway.

"It's different," Pietro answered dismissively. 

"Here we are!" Pietro announced after fifteen minutes.

Jean stared at the cornfield.  "I don't see ice cream any where."

"That's because there isn't any ice cream here!  This is a cornfield—"

"Yeah, I can pretty much see that."

"This is also a place where you will die."

"I can't die here.  I can fly."

Pietro stared at her.  "Oh yeah…I forgot you can use your power to levitate.  You suck."

Jean winked.  "All that and more."

Pietro shuddered.  "Don't even _say_ things like this around me!"  He cupped his hands around his mouth.  "SCOTT! I GOT HER!"

"Good job!"  Scott jogged to the car.  "Hi Jean!  Did he act like a big meanie to you?"

"What are you doing?!"

"Giving you what you deserve for being a slut to me!  I deserve to have a loyal girl friend." Scott dug around in the trunk of his car (Pietro borrowed it) and pulled out a rubber bat.  "I was in a hurry so I couldn't find an aluminum or wooden bat."

He walked towards Jean and held the bat before her.  "So it'll take a while to kill you.  Just hold still."  He hit Jean on the head with it.  He chewed on his lip in concentration.  "Yup, just about a hundred more times…"

Jean scowled and pushed him away with a telekinetic blast.  "So _you're_ the asshole who wants to kill me?"

"I am?"  he turned to Toad.  "Did you tell her?!"

"_You_ told her!"

"Right."  He raised the bat again.

Pietro held a hand up.  "This won't help.  We need something else."

"What can we do?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**(Would you reviewers like Jean to die?  If you do, tell me how you want her to die.  Sorry for the short chapter! Pretty please do some reviewing!)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I down own anything! Just the story, which isn't much.

* * *

Jean crossed her arms and watched as the three guys huddle together.

"How can we kill her? There's plenty of ways, but you know she's psycho," Scott whispered.

"I think you mean psychic. Anyway, we can run over her," Pietro announced.

"No," Toad correct. "We can't. She can probably stop it, even if we do tie her down."

They all stared at the ground, thinking hard about what they could do.

Jean stamped her feet. "Hurry up you two! I don't have all day to see how you're planning on killing me!"

Pietro looked up at her, shocked at the fact that she was still standing. She could have easily flown away or took the car. He shook his head sadly. _'It's sad that she's stupid. Not everyone can be smart and sexy like me.'_ He turned his attention back to the two guys by him. "We have to figure this out. We have to kill her, but then again we can't get caught for it."

Scott slammed his fist into his palm. "Damn it! She drives me crazy!"

Toad blinked. "That's it!"

"Huh?" Both Scott and Pietro looked at him blankly.

"Let's drive her crazy! If it gets far enough, she'll kill herself. It's the perfect crime!"

"Right. So how're we going to do that?" Scott adjusted his special sunglasses. "It's not like we can kill her by making her watching the Teletubbies or something."

Pietro stared at him. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's the smartest thing I've ever heard you say! Will you ever cease to amaze me?"

The teen wrinkled his nose in deep thought. "Yeah. I think I probably will." He brightened up. "So my idea will work?"

"Yeah. I'll get her there." The silver haired teen stood up and brushed the dirt off of him. "Seeing as I'm the better looking of the three, my powers of persuasion will be a lot more better." He turned towards Jean and strode towards her, administering his so-called 'pimp walk' as he did so.

Toad and Scott shook their heads. Pietro was too full of himself. It was surprising that his stupid attempts to seduce a girl worked more times than not. It was a scary, scary thing to see it work.

"Jean…" Pietro purred. He slicked back his silver bangs and winked seductively at the redhead.

"What do you want? How are you going to kill me? And it better be good too."

The silver haired teen frowned. Jean was an idiot…and a slut. He smiled. This would be interesting. "I can't tell you how we're going to kill you. It's a big surprise, you see."

"Oh, really? I can't wait to see!" She narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. "So are you still standing here if it's a surprise?"

"Well, you _are_ a slut, right? And…" He faked a shy look. "You know how everyone says you're experienced…maybe I can say good bye to you in a way you'd understand." He winked seductively again. "That is, if you can handle me. I've got speed on my side and that means I've got a lot of endurance."

Scott, who was listening, gaped in sickened disgust and collapsed backwards. "EVERYONE'S AGAINST ME!" he screamed.

Toad raised an eyebrow, staring at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Everyone wants a piece of Jean! Why can't he just kill her?" He began to sob hysterically.

"No one wants a piece of her! She just puts out really easily. For guys, that just means an easy way to get laid. It's not like they think Jean is hot or something."

Scott glared at him from behind his sunglasses. "Shut up. You got laid by her too, didn't you?"

Toad sat there in silence for a while. "Never say anything like that again or I'll shove my foot up your ass."

"Hmph."

"So," Pietro began. He gestured to the car. "Wanna get in, babe?"

"Sure. I guess it'd be ok if you were the last person I had a little fun with. You don't have to pay either!"

The silver haired mutant did his best not to shudder.

* * *

Pietro closed the door behind him. He flashed Jean a smile. "Lets get busy!"

Jean returned the smile. She pushed the teen onto the bed and immediately began to tug at the zipper of his black hoodie. For a moment, Pietro froze, shocked that Jean took things this quickly. He shook his head and realized that this was Jean, not some hot, sexy cheerleader. This was a Grade A slut.

"NOW!" he screamed, grabbing Jeans arms and holding them tightly to keep her from escaping.

Scott and Pietro ran in. They held several rolls of duct tape. "What're we trying to fix again?" Scott demanded, looking blankly at his roll of tape.

"This slut. We're making sure she never does things like this again."

"Oh you know what would be really scary? She could end up being a zombie and she'd still be a slut! Then it'd be like forcing people to be necro-something-somes!"

"Necrophiliacs," Toad corrected. He glared at the boy. "She's gonna be dead! No zombies, you dumb ass!"

Pietro growled in frustration. He sped to a nearby chair and watched as Toad used the duct tape to pin her arms, legs and body against the chair. They duct taped it to the wall. Then they duct taped the small TV. to the bureau. They taped the window and everything else securely so Jean couldn't lift it up. Duct tape was a very powerful thing.

"Oh…is this going to be like a hostage foursome?" Jean asked in excitement. "I've always wanted to try this!"

The three teens gaped at her in surprise. "NO!"

Scott turned on the TV. He thrust a tape in and pushed the play button.

"Lucky for us, Scott tapes every episode of the Teletubbies," Pietro told Jean. "Enjoy. This is how you're to die." He frowned, watching the redhead close her eyes. He used a piece of duct tape and taped her eyelids open. Who cared if her eyeballs dried out? Maybe the sound of the Teletubbies would drive her insane!

"Have fun!"

The three boys left the room and locked it, smiling as they heard Jean's tortured screams mask the sound of the Teletubbie theme song.

"I almost feel bad..." Scott said absently.

"Almost is the keyword there," Pietro announced.

"Yup."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** I down own anything!

* * *

"How should we celebrate the death of the slut?" Pietro asked. He stretched out on Scott's bed. He frowned at something that poked his back. Digging under the comforter, he pulled out a few magazines. He smiled as he looked at the cover. "Chick Universe?" He looked excitedly up at Scott. "I didn't know you had enough manly balls to even read a chick magazine!"

Scott flushed and pushed his glasses up. "Aw, it's nothing really."

Toad bounced up. "You've been holding up on us!"

Pietro continued to study the front cover. An amused smile crossed his face. "This is cute."

The cover features a woman with overly revealing clothes and who was kissing a yellow, fluffy, chick.

"Yup. Pretty cute indeed," Pietro repeated. "They've got a hot chick kissing a chick…as in a baby chicken. Get it?"

"Cute?" Toad raised an eyebrow at the silver-haired teen. "You're supposed to use the word cute only when talking about a girl. Not a fucking baby chicken."

Pietro wrinkled his nose. "You're ruining the moment," he complained. "I'm trying to relish in the fact that Scott Summers actually has _chick_ magazines! I mean, really, you'd think he was looking for some gay pornography, especially the way he acts."

Scott looked up. "They don't really have that, do they?"

Toad and Pietro gaped at him. "Please tell me you aren't serious," Toad exclaimed.

"I'm not. I was just curious."

"Lets hope you aren't curious enough to get experimental," Toad said.

Pietro waved the comments away. "Look, who cares about this? He's actually got some dirty magazines. Lets enjoy this while we can. Somehow I feel like this is too good to be true."

Scott smiled. "Trust me. It's full of chicks."

Toad eyed the magazine, then shot the teen a look. "Just what kind of chicks are in this? I've never even heard of this magazine."

"Well…" Scott looked thoughtfully at the cover. "They mostly have yellow chicks in it…if that's what you mean."

"Yellow chicks?" Toad repeated doubtfully.

"Oh! He means Asians!" Pietro exclaimed. "I love Asians! They're the best looking people out there. Except for me. I'm not Asian, but I'm drop dead sexy." He nodded. "I'm so sexy that the sexiest of all sexy Asians would think I'm a god."

"Look," Toad interrupted. "As much as I would love to hear you gloat, which I don't, I'd rather look at chicks. Alright? Can we accomplish that?"

"Ok. I don't have to tell you I'm sexy. You'll just know. I radiate sexiness. You can almost smell it in the air!"

"No. What you smell in the air was me. I couldn't help it."

Scott sniffed. "Oh. I see it now. I kind of thought it smelled like a nasty poot but I wasn't sure."

"A nasty poot?!" Pietro exclaimed. "You need to have a better vocabulary."

"Yeah. When we're talking about manly farts, we don't say 'nasty poot,'" Toad said in disgust. "So anyway, lets look at the magazine."

Pietro smiled with excitement. He opened the magazine, preparing to examine the alleged and long-awaited centerfold. When he saw it, he screamed.

And it wasn't a happy scream. It wasn't a happy scream at all. It wasn't a happy scream like, "OH MY GOD! IT'S ORLANDO BLOOM!" or "OH MY GOD! IT'S CARMEN ELECTRA!" It was a scream of horror, agony, and other words that could describe how Pietro probably felt. It was more like, "OH MY GOD! MICHAEL JACKSON IS IN MY CLOSET! AND I HAPPEN TO BE AN ADORABLE BOY!" See? It was a very very very very unhappy scream.

"OHMYGOD!" Pietro screamed. He threw the magazine away. "Get that crap away from me!"

Scott dove after the magazine. "You can't do that! I've collected these for a long time!"

"Y-you need to get away from me, man!" Pietro exclaimed. He backed away from Scott and ended up falling off of the bed.

"You didn't look at the rest of it," Scott said. He offered the magazine to Toad. "Here. You look at it."

Toad reached cautiously and grabbed it. He flipped through it. Once the pictures fully registered in his mind, he threw it down. "You have some major issues to take care of," he said in a shaky voice. "S-stay away from me!" He hopped towards the door.

Pietro stumbled after him.

"No! You don't understand how cute these things are!"

"Of course we don't! We aren't chicken fuckers!" Pietro exclaimed.

"I'm not either. I just like the pictures." Scott pointed at a particular picture of a fluffy chick. "See this one? It just hatched. It's just amazing to know that it came out of the shell all ugly and now it's cute and fluffy!"

"AWAY!" Toad screamed and shut the door.

Scott closed the magazines and ran a forefinger thoughtfully down the cover. He cocked his head at it. "Why can't anyone look past my strangeness?" He rammed a fist into a pillow. "It's just because I'm white! And I'm a mutant…. It's just because I'm a white mutant that nobody likes me!" Satisfied with this reason that he was shunned, he rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling. He listened very carefully and he suddenly sat up. Had Jean's screaming actually stopped? Was Jean actually dead? Or had she finally cracked?!


End file.
